


Identity

by Mareel



Series: Always [50]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, London, Love, M/M, Mass Effect 3: Extended Cut, Memorials, Music, Plans For The Future, Post-Canon, Recovery, Romance, Soul-Searching, Uniforms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-25 05:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3798151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war had defined him. The end of the war has changed him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Identity

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in London one year after the Reaper War was won ( _Mass Effect 3_ : Extended Cut, _destroy_ ending). 
> 
> The two scenes take place before and after [Elegy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3742828), where they attended a memorial for those lost in the war. The memorial included music by a young asari violinist, the daughter of Liara's friend, Dr. Olena, who once taught her a song on the piano which she later shared with Shepard.
> 
> Inspired by the quote from Yeats.

 

  
_“How can we know the dancer from the dance?”_ (W.B. Yeats)  


 

"It shouldn't be this goddamn hard." 

Kaidan looks up from the tablet he's been reading all evening. When I'd asked what it was, he just smiled and said his taste in trashy novels was one of his few remaining secrets. If I hadn't been preoccupied, I probably would have teased for more information, but there'll be time for that. My guess is it's probably an old sci-fi space epic. He'd claimed once that he was past all those romantic notions, but I know better. Says the man who builds starship models.

"Used to be, I'd throw on a uniform and be out the door within a couple minutes of rolling out of bed. I don't know when it got complicated."

He puts down his book and crosses the room to join me where I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, a pile of clothing stacked between us. 

"You could still do that. Just wear a uniform. It's not a casual event, but I'm sure no one is expecting formal dress either. It's a memorial, Shepard, not a charity ball."

"Might be easier if they just said black tie or something. I'd look like everyone else then. I don't want anyone to even notice that I'm there."

Kaidan pushes the stack of clothes aside so he can shift closer. Resting a hand on my thigh, he rubs slow circles. "I know. You don't want a media circus. We worked that out though. No one will bother you, I promise."

"I'll hold you and Liara to that. I trust you both. I just want to pay my respects like everyone else. As just a man who lost friends in the war..."

He leans close to kiss my cheek. We've had this discussion before. I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable. I hope it's not just vanity – not wanting to be seen limping or with still-healing scars. It feels like more than that.

Kaidan has picked up the uniform on top of the pile, the fatigues I'm most comfortable in. "I think these would stand out as too casual." He sets it aside, along with the black formalwear. "You always look great in the black one, but I have a better idea."

He gets up and goes to the closet, returning with my blue dress uniform. "I think this would be good. Other people will be there in uniform. I'll wear mine too. Don't think of it as making any statements. Just wear it to honor everyone who didn't make it."

I run my fingertips over it. "I don't know. It looks kind of _Commander Shepard_." 

Kaidan gives me a puzzled look. "And that's not you?"

Shaking my head, I start to lay the uniform aside. "I don't know anymore. He's someone I used to be. I'm not sure if I still am... not the same one at least."

There are questions in his eyes that I don't know if I can answer yet. "That uniform doesn't even fit well now. I've lost too much weight... all that time in the hospital. It feels baggy."

Kaidan runs his hand down my arm from shoulder to hand, letting his fingertips trace the musculature. "You're still built better than anyone has any right to be after being nearly dead, Shepard. No, you're not ready to win a pull-up contest with James, but you'll get back to it."

I have to smile at that. "Damn straight. My physical therapist gave me a special glove I can wear to protect the new skin on my hand so I can start working on those pull-ups without doing any damage."

"I think a loose-fitting uniform isn't the whole story though. Talk to me. I want to understand."

It's going to take me a minute to try to figure out what I'm trying to say here. "I think it has to do with who I am. How I see me. How _you_ see me. And everyone else, I guess, but I don't really give a rat's ass about most of the _everyone else_."

I search his eyes, looking for... I don't know... something. "I'm just a soldier, Kaidan. That's all I know how to be. But what if I can’t do that anymore? I don't know if anyone will ever want me to do that again."

Kaidan starts to reply, but I press my fingertips to his lips. I need to finish saying this. "I don't know if I even want me to be _that_ Commander Shepard again. He did his duty and thought he was done. Suddenly I'm still alive after it all, and I'm finding that I _like_ being alive, doing everyday things. All the things that were just distractions before. You know?"

Silently, he pulls me against his chest, hugging me tight against him. My hand is pressed against his heart, and I can feel my breathing falling into sync with his.

"I know, John. I know. I don't want to lose what we've found either. But I want you to be happy. If that means being soldiers again, that's what it is. But be sure it's what you want. You've more than earned a choice."

I nod, settling my cheek into the hollow beneath his clavicle, just letting his words surround me, trying to let them sink in.

"You're a helluva soldier... the best. But that doesn't define you for me. I see a man who listens to people, cares about the people working with him, a man who wants to do the right thing even if it's hard."

He brushes the back of his hand across my cheek, then turns it to stroke his fingers through what there is of my hair, his voice dropping to almost a whisper.

"Most of all, you're the man I love. But I can't tell you what you need to be happy."

I still don't know if I have it all figured out. But I'm sure about one thing. "This probably isn't news to you... I've said it before. I _do_ know what I need to be happy. You, Kaidan. You and me." 

"You've got that, John. Nothing's going to change that."

The thing is, I believe him. I trust him that much. 

"Okay then. I'll wear the dress uniform. But you owe me, Alenko!"

His reply almost gets lost in his kiss. "I always pay my debts, Shepard. It will be a pleasure."

 

_________________________________

 

"It was good to see you at the memorial tonight, Shepard."

Liara accepts a drink from Kaidan who has been playing host. We haven't had many guests here in his apartment and he seems to be enjoying it. Taking a sip, she nods and settles back in the chair across from the couch I'm sharing with Kaidan.

"Do you like it? It's called Irish coffee. It would be better with Canadian whiskey but in post-war London, you take what you can find."

"It is delicious, Major. Although I am not sure if it is designed to relax me or keep me awake all night. It appears to contain a lot of caffeine."

Kaidan never passes on an opportunity for a coffee drink, but I'm drinking my whiskey straight up. He raises his glass to Liara before taking a sip. "Thanks to you, Liara, for helping me persuade him that he should attend."

I pour a second drink from the bottle Kaidan left on the coffee table within easy reach. "It did feel right, being there. Once I got over the feeling that everybody was staring at me." 

Kaidan smiles and leans in to kiss my cheek before stretching his arm along the couch behind me for me to lean against.

"I'm not sure everyone was looking at you. What you might have felt was _me_ staring at you. You looked pretty damn good in that dress uniform."

Liara shares a small smile as well. "It was good to see you in uniform again, Shepard. It suits you." She pauses and I can almost hear her wondering whether it's okay to ask what's on her mind. "Have you decided to return to active duty? After your recovery is complete of course."

Her question isn't unexpected, but I drain the rest of my drink, trying to think about how to answer it. "I don't know yet." I glance at Kaidan, hoping he knows that he'll be part of that decision. 

I get up and go over to the window. Large swaths of darkness still slice through what should be a glittering nighttime cityscape. "There's so much to be done. Not just here – in London or even just on Earth. I want to help. There must something an old soldier could do. I'm still thinking about it."

Kaidan has joined me by the window, standing behind me gently rubbing my shoulders and neck. He probably felt me tensing up at the question. It's happened before. His voice is quiet. "There's no rush to decide, Shepard. You deserve some time to just decompress, as well as to heal. It will all still be there when you're ready for it." 

He doesn't say it aloud, but I can read the rest in his eyes. 'We deserve some time together, just to learn to _live_ again,' He told me that last night when I was feeling a little overwhelmed just sorting out what to wear to the memorial tonight. The symbolism of my choice was important and I knew it wouldn't go unnoticed no matter how low a profile I tried to keep. 

I let Kaidan steer me back to the couch, his arm returning to its place around my shoulder. I feel like I still owe Liara more of an answer. Owe lots of people one, especially Kaidan. He needs to be able to make plans too. 

"Well, I do know I need to get back in shape." I smile, trying to lighten the mood a little. "Otherwise, I'll have to find a good tailor to make my uniforms fit right." 

Liara looked as if she was going to comment on that, but she changes her mind and the subject. "You both seemed to appreciate the music at the memorial. Amarna played from her heart tonight."

"It was good, just right for the occasion. And I could tell it was pretty personal for her." I think back a few hours. My response to the music had been unexpectedly emotional. "That's only part of what got to me though. You didn't tell me who the pianist was going to be."

Kaidan tightens his arm around me, maybe remembering just how emotional my reaction had been. I don't cry easily... and never in public. But I had. And he hadn't been unaffected himself. Maybe we both needed a chance to mourn... and permission for it. 

"Kahlee has been working with young biotics. Amarna was assisting in that work as well. They found that they shared an interest in music. And they both..." Liara pauses, taking a calming breath before continuing. "They both suffered great loss."

"I'd only heard Kahlee play once before. At Anderson's apartment on the Citadel. I'd always wondered why he had a piano, but then it made sense."

Liara nods. "She is very skilled. It would not be easy to perform for a large audience of strangers when every note means exposing your grief, sharing it. Amarna spoke of her fear of doing so, but she was very determined to honor her mother... and everyone else who was lost."

"She did. They both did. I'm sure her mother would have been proud."

Kaidan sets his empty glass on the coffee table and reaches for my hand, wrapping his fingers around mine. "Anderson would have been proud of Kahlee too."

"Yeah. He would have."

Suddenly tired, I lean my head against Kaidan's shoulder, grateful that he's here with me. I have a momentary thought that Commander Shepard wouldn't do that in front of a crewmember. Maybe I'm not _that_ Commander Shepard anymore. 

I can live with that.

 

 


End file.
